all the way back

I had an MRI done this morning, to hopefully solve some of this back pain mystery. I was worried about the procedure…but not really for the expected reasons. My Mom had warned me that it was loud. I’m not claustrophobic. I read all the safety information on the internet. I was fine with all of that. What was I worried about? Triggers. Memory triggers.

It has been 6 years & 10 months since my accident. I still have no memory of the period of time from 30 minutes before the accident to several days after. I’m okay with that. I’d really rather NOT remember…I think my memory loss is a protection against the memories of horrific pain & all-consuming fear. But I’ve been warned that I might, one day, remember. That a sight, smell, or sound could trigger memories. That I may remember fragments. Or, one day, I might remember everything. I was worried that today would be that day.

It was an irrational fear, I’ll admit. I have been back to the hospital…to visit friends, to take Austin to appointments…so I know that the place isn’t a trigger in & of itself. Still, it’s un-nerving to walk through hallways that I was likely wheeled through. And to wonder, as I interact with  different people along the way…"did you work on me then?" It’s just a very strange feeling.

I’m sure that some people will think "Over 6 years ago? Get over it!" Wish that I could. I put it away most days. But today, the worry brought me back. I’m just thankful that it wasn’t all the way back.