varying surface conditions.

This is one of those posts that will probably sound better in my head. Stress has been high. Wine has been over-poured. I've done that "losing my words" thing a bit too often.

I took the above photo last week on a walk with Austin. The sign didn't hold any significance at the time – I just liked the contrast in textures & colors. Now, the sentiment seems like a perfect statement on life right now. Varying surface conditions.

Before I go further, know this – there is nothing inherently wrong. I'm not depressed. I'm not spending days on the ledge. My gratitude list is long. My tribe lifts me up with perfectly timed calls, texts, and emails. What the terrain looks like around here:

*Hope turns 21 on Wed. It is the first birthday in her entire life that won't involve me tip-toeing into her room in the morning and whispering "happy birthday baby girl." I thought that I was okay with it, until a few days ago when I couldn't stop the tears and dashed into the bathroom at work.

*I cannot keep up with the amount of yard work & housework that needs to happen around here. Budgets don't allow for a housekeeper or landscaper….so the chores sit undone. I know, more than most, that no one will look back and say "well, Katrina was great, but did you see all the leaves in her yard?? shameful." Still, it lends to a nagging sense of failure & lack.

*Speaking of failure & lack…getting to know new people at 42 is terrifying, mortifying & exhilarating all at the same time. In one minute, I'm 13 years old with frizzy hair and a butt that looks huge in gym shorts. In the next minute, I'm drafting words that should make Shonda Rhimes offer me a job. I remind myself that this is simply another chapter. It's not the ending. Turn the page.

*I'm spending time in the sunshine as much as I can. Wishing for a couple of these, these, and this for the deck. Going on walks with Austin. Going for walks (with a few steps of running) instead of going to the gym.

*Getting giddy about seeing my tribe at the end of the month. These girls save me.

Varying surface conditions, indeed.

9 Comments

Lee Currie

May 5, 2013 at 12:02 pm Reply

There must be something in the air. I too have been a puddle of tears lately! Have a great time with your girls, it’ll be a great time 🙂

AngieOh

May 5, 2013 at 2:07 pm Reply

screw the yard! 🙂 The leaves will still be there next year (and your yard will be healthy because of it!).
I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that my mom calls me on my birthday every year at like 6 in the morning, so she can tell me all about the day I was born. I love it (and did even when I was not such an early riser).
Can’t wait to hug you!

Barb

May 5, 2013 at 7:45 pm Reply

I’m so very honored to call you my friend – even if you do have leaves in your yard.
The beanbag deck furniture is beyond cool!!

justem

May 5, 2013 at 11:02 pm Reply

You can take comfort in knowing that however bad your yard looks…mine surely looks worse! 😉 😉
Can’t wait to see you!!!!

Tracy and Aaron

May 6, 2013 at 9:02 am Reply

keeping you in my thoughts – as I also navigate highs and lows . . .

Christy

May 6, 2013 at 9:40 am Reply

Ahh, I know the feeling all too well. My 21 year old daughter has lived with me up until the day she married, 2 months ago. Even though she lives within 10 minutes (and trust me, everyone reminds me at least once a day), it isn’t the same. I can not walk in her room to ask if my outfit looks okay, or talk to her while she is in the shower, or bring her coffee to wake her up. All of that is done by her new husband, who I adore and hate all at the same time. Yes, times they are a changing. I am happy happy happy for her. But I miss her. a lot. Now I have a new puppy.

JillT

May 6, 2013 at 12:28 pm Reply

I believe (this will sound crazy) that “spring” makes “it” worse. (I use quotes around spring because it certainly hasn’t been a normal/beautiful spring but all the same. . .it IS spring) Spring is when everything comes alive including moods and attitudes. When ours doesn’t match the season and we aren’t happy campers every minute. . .it is even more emphatic that there is something not quite right. I’m not sure I said what I meant 🙂 but I’m leaving it anyway! In my case, my daughter isn’t just grown up and 12 hrs away, she is not in my life right now and I am not able to change that NOR share it. So I just find myself in an occasional muddled heap. . .spring or not.