giving up vs. keep going
(found on pinterest, via Brave Girls club)
I had another frustrating doctor's appt today. When I left the office, I sat in my car crying and emailed my life support team with the subject line "I give up." I don't want to be that person. I don't want to give up. I want to be a warrior. I want to show up, ready to battle. I just don't think that I can manage that today. So, for the moment, I will just say this…
Dear new Dr's office:
I understand that I am "fairly mobile" despite being in pain. I am aware that I can still touch my toes (but for reference? when not in pain, I can fold in half with my forearms clasped & hanging an inch above the floor…thank you yoga). I understand that many other people come in hunched over, unable to sit in a chair. That does not lessen my pain. I would like you to take your "pain scale" and shove it…b/c my 7 might be someone else's 10.
I am tired of repeating the story again & again & again. Hip pain during/after a half marathon. Self-treated with yoga & exercise & advil. Diagnosed with possible labral tear. MRI did not indicate labral tear. Sudden onset back pain 4 weeks ago. MRI shows bulging disc. Now listen carefully – UNABLE TO SLEEP DUE TO PAIN.
Please excuse me while I cry as you tell me that the first appt that you have available for the injection (that holds the promise of pain relief) is when I'm traveling. Please understand that I am not trying to be difficult. It's just that I haven't had a full night's sleep in more than a month, and yes, I get that new mommies do that all the time…but I am not a new mommy, and I need to sleep. I have no patience, no filter b/c my brain has not had the opportunity to rest & recharge itself.
Please also understand that I "get" pain managment. I know the drill. Been there, done that. You'll notice in my chart that I survived a horrific car accident that resulted in a crazy long recovery that involved it's own fair share of pain. I am not looking to score a scrip for pain meds. I can't take the good stuff anyway – see that red alert in my chart? That's a drug allergy. And the stuff that I CAN take? I'm well aware of the potential side effects, and have personal knowlege of the extremes of said side effects (two words: bowel impaction). Trust me, I'm not in it for the narcotics.
Please know that I sit in meditation every day, trying my best to breath & focus on healing. I slowly work my way into downward dog and then collapse into child's pose b/c it just hurts too much. I try to calm my growing stress about not going to the gym, knowing that my health insurance premiums are tied to activity.
At the end of the day? Please know that I am trying to be brave & keep going.
sincerely,
me.
11 Comments
gabby
oh my dear. you are strong and brave. glad to know i’m not the only one who cries in frustration. wish i could hug you– gently– or bring a cadbury egg. xoxo.
Heather Ferguson
I hope you’re printing that out as a 4×3 and putting it in your PL for this week because it’s awesome. As a daughter of a woman who had chronic and sometimes severe back pain after a car accident when I was 3, I feel for you. Back pain is no joke, and I know too well what hip pain is all about. I hope you can find some relief soon and doctors who understand you.
Don’t forget, it’s okay to have a day or week when you want to give up. Allow yourself a short mental breakdown; it will help relieve some of the tension in your body. The important thing is that you get back up tomorrow and start again.
Barb
If Gabby is coming to hug you (and bringing Cadbury eggs), then I am coming, too.
You are a Warrior-ess. Don’t doubt that.
shelley
If Gabby is bringing Cadburys, and Barb comes, that means I get to meet Barb finally, have some Cadburys and then just give you a big ole hug and add me to the list of your life support team, because, sister? I get it. You read my recent post on the “yes, we think you have MS.” and oh, guess what? the “please bring someone with you to the next appt” BS was NOT MS… but shove a prescription down my throat appointment and wanting to give me more narcotics. I like, you, and not in this game to score oxycotin to share with girlfriends on wine night! sister. hang in there. you are brave. it is totally ok to have a big, fat, ugly, honky girl cry in the parking lot. i do it at least weekly. it releases all the toxins my fibromyalgia + other auto-immune disease riddin body can’t get it’s sorry ass to yoga to do! hang in there. i think you inspired me to write tonight. hugs. man i wish i had a cadbury.
sarah
i wish i knew how to help. or how to offer you encouragement. but know that you ARE a warrior! and you are very brave.
(p.s. i’m totally coming to hug you and eat cadbury eggs with you, gabby + barb. i’ll bring some wine.)
xo.
Jen Tapler
Hey. You still have my number? You need to give me a call. I can help you with this. Definitely do NOT give up!!! 🙂 I’ll be around all day tomorrow (Friday) and all weekend. Call anytime! Really.
Marie
Hang in there. ~cyber-hugs and prayers your way~
Tracy and Aaron
Katrina – you have always been one of the bravest women I know and that will never stop because you are you. However everyone is allowed to have moments and that doesn’t make you any less brave, it just keeps you human. Stay brave Warrior Woman!
Kate Ware
Some days are down days, sweetie, even for brave, warrior girl types! And that’s ok. Doesn’t mean at all that you’ve lost your warrior status — just that you’re getting rid of all the “junk” that would distract you from your next battle. Sending sweet, gentle hugs your way, and prayers for healing and peace. I hope things get better soon!
Kirsten Juenke
Oh brave girl….continue to be strong. I am so lucky my pain is minimal and helped by acupuncture, but my DH struggles constantly. You make my heart break with the vision of you crying in your car. Baby steps is all I can say….baby steps.
justem
I want to be where you and the Cadbury eggs are.
I’m glad there is a happier addendum to this post today. 🙂
Sending you a {gentle} hug!