this is forty-five.

I turned forty-five yesterday (THANK YOU for all the kind birthday wishes!!). I'll admit that while not a typical milestone birthday, this number feels weighty. The past couple of months have been an absolute blur, but I've had the number bouncing in my head quite a bit. Since that usually means that I need to do some reflection, I'm taking a cue from  this, this, and this…

This is forty-five. 

Forty-five is feeling solidly middle-aged, and getting carded at the grocery store less frequently. Forty-five is still hearing "you look too young to have kids that age!," and getting questioning looks about my rather-young-looking boyfriend. Forty-five is feeling ridiculous even using the word boyfriend. 

Forty-five is knowing that I should get to the gym more often, but opting to go out to dinner instead. Forty-five is eating more salads, less bread & drinking more wine, less beer. Forty-five is being grateful for acupuncture, Chinese herbs, & meditation.

Forty-five is caring less about what people think, and caring more about what my people think. Forty-five is knowing that all of them are really only thinking about their own life anyway.

Forty-five is 17+ years at the same job, and wondering if it ever becomes too late to make a change. Forty-five is wondering how in the world I can find my passion, when on most days I'd be happy to find my phone (or these days, my gloves).

Forty-five is saying yes to interesting, and no to obligatory.

Forty-five is wishing that I had known more when my kids were young, and knowing that I did my best. Forty-five is hoping that they know how much they are loved, and telling them just that. Forty-five is being really proud of the people that they're becoming.

Forty-five is crying over hurt feelings, but getting over it more quickly. Forty-five is accepting that life is complicated, but still resisting the complications. Forty-five is reading, learning, and listening.

Forty-five is adventure, possibility, exploring, and trying again every day. Forty-five is not always knowing where the path leads….